Don’t we often sit and wonder “Why did this happen? and “Why am I here, again?” It seems that the older I get, the harder it is to pick myself up from a fall, especially when I’ve not only lost my balance, but lost my perspective.
I often feel like I don’t belong here, like I am an actor portraying me, that I am not who I am. Maybe this is because I keep forcing my own dreams upon my life and it doesn’t align with God’s will. Perhaps it is because I don’t believe in myself enough and I keep changing to fit someone else’s life puzzle, or Act 3 of a play I didn’t write, or to hide who I really am so that I don’t feel rejected. I would rather live in the background of my own life and feel invisible by the world than to be judged as insignificant. To me, that is a bigger tragedy, to have lived this life and for it not to matter to anyone. It is almost as equally saddening to find yourself alone, again, to much fault of your own. Sometimes knowing the answer doesn’t provide the healing, but retracing steps to where it all began does.
The question can serve as a compass to find the pieces you never saw before, where the path had been lost, to fully see the miscalculations in the plan.
The “where we are now” might look the same, but the fellow travelers are all different. Seeing the map of where I stand now, how silly it would be to expect someone to circle back and find me
Being in that place doesn’t rewrite the present, but it can create a better future than if the question had never been asked.
It is often the hardest to pray for God’s will to happen in our lives because we rather want what we can will for ourselves. Sometimes the dreams we carry with us aren’t meant to be realized in the moment and unless we are quiet to hear God’s voice, we can’t hear His words saying, “Not yet, my love. The dream is bigger than you can imagine.” Unless we let go of trying to control things ourselves and forcing pieces where they do not belong, we won’t ever be able to see the whole masterpiece in its intended entirety.
I will work on picking up these pieces without worry of my unresolved questions. I will stop forcing my own dreams of yesterday because the dream of tomorrow is more awesome than what I cling to.
I have to let it go…that I have gone on a path that I can’t continue on–a path meant for someone else.