“I just want to be free.”
Those are words my heart was screaming over the past few months concerning past hurts that I had locked inside. Last night, my 17-year-old daughter uttered the same words to me to explain why she decided that homelessness was better than staying with me.
“I just want to free. Free from your rules and the shame I feel around you. Free from the way I feel when I look at you. Free from the ways you have failed me and not met my needs. You are no good to me if you can’t meet my financial needs now. I would rather sleep on the streets with roaches than be around you.”
I looked at her and I felt such confusion. Who was this person hurling curse words and insults at me? Where was my daughter who once adored me? Why was she calling her self a God and so detached from reality and detached from the feelings from the moment. What had happened that caused this?
She refused to open up to me. She refused to tell me who she’s been associating with. She refused to listen to reason.
I just wanted to love her, to shake her, to fix the situation and make her feel whole. But I couldn’t. She wouldn’t let me in.
She’s less than a month from turning 18 and she was choosing a hard life I would have never chosen for her, one that I would have protected her from, one that she was so eager to lose herself to.
She walked away from me and all her possessions in my car, with only the clothes on her back and an unrealistic view of the world.
I pray that God protects her, she learns this lesson quickly, and that she can get back on track to be the great person she was meant to be.
This choice doesn’t make her free. It enslaves her to a cruel, hard world full of choices a girl shouldn’t have to make.
My heart feels so broken and I won’t be okay until I know she is first.